You Can't Make Mistakes

What’s going on here?

I noticed a disturbing trend this week while reading the news online. It seems that I can’t tell the difference anymore between the real news and the fake news.

This is a two-part, interactive blog post. First, I would like you to read these excerpts from several of the news sources that I read. One is The Onion—self-proclaimed to be “America’s Finest News source.

The other is the BBC News Service. Now, the Onion is fake news. I know this. The BBC on the other hand has real news. Read these and see if you can tell the difference. Don’t cheat and Google anything. Play fair.

When you have finished reading, leave a comment and take a guess at which is which. You don’t have to read carefully or anything, just glance through them and wager a guess.

GO!

1. The key to a happy relationship could be accepting that some miserable times are unavoidable, experts say.

Therapists from California State University, Northridge and Virginia Tech say accepting these problems is better than striving for perfection. And they blame cultural fairytales and modern love stories for perpetuating the myth that enjoying a perfect relationship is possible.

The report was published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. The authors, Dr Diane Gehart and Dr Eric McCollum say it is a “myth that, with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering.” And they say healthcare professionals may not be helping the situation. “The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of “mental health,” which implies a state without suffering,” they say.

2. “Yes, we had planned to do all sorts of things with that money, like repair Iraq’s power grid and construct new sewers and roads,” Rumsfeld said. “But then we realized that, really, there’s no reason for us to rebuild Iraq’s infrastructure when the forces of free-market capitalism can do it with greater efficiency.”

Rumsfeld said that, while the U.S. public’s desire to hasten the end of America’s presence in Iraq is growing, continued insurgence against the occupation has rendered previous initiatives for political and economic recovery untenable. The situation prompted the Bush Administration to “think more creatively” about its Iraq policy.

“I assure you that our new plan for economic recovery is not only easier, it’s better,” Rumsfeld said. “If we simply step back and let the market do its thing, a perfectly functioning, merit-based, egalitarian society will rise out of the ashes. Probably some restaurants or hardware stores or something, too.”

During the next six months, Rumsfeld said, each Iraqi man, woman, and child will receive a one-time payment of $3,544.91. On June 30, the transaction of all funds will be complete, and the sovereignty of a “brand-new, prosperous, secular, pluralistic, market-driven nation” will be handed to an as-yet-unformed government, probably one with a president and a congressional body of some sort.

3. According to a study published by the Popular Culture Research Group Monday, the majority of American citizens are out of touch with mainstream American society.

“We’re not sure, at this point, whether this is a new trend or a continuation of an old trend,” PCRG consultant Paul Van Lamm said. “All we know right now is that 70 to 85 percent of Americans are unfamiliar with, unaware of, or just plain don’t care about what the American people are watching on television, seeing at the movie theater, listening to on their radios, wearing, rooting for, falling in love with all over again, or downloading.”

According to Van Lamm, 71 percent of U.S. citizens polled had no interest in NASCAR racing, America’s fastest-growing sport. Van Lamm added that 69 percent of poll respondents said they did not have a single Hispanic friend, in spite of the fact that Hispanics are the nation’s fastest-growing minority group. Additionally, the majority of poll respondents did not see the final episode of Friends, television’s most-watched sitcom.

4. The former head of the US-led civilian administration in Iraq has defended his decision to send billions of dollars in cash to Baghdad in 2003 and 2004.

Paul Bremer told a Congressional committee investigating allegations of waste and fraud that he had done his best to kick-start Iraq’s economy.

The funds came from Iraqi oil revenue and previously frozen assets.

Much of the money went missing and critics say there was no system to track how it was used.

“Who in their right mind would send 360 tons of cash into a war zone? But that is exactly what our government did,” Henry Waxman, the Democratic chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee said during Tuesday’s hearing.

He added that there was no way of knowing whether the cash – totalling $9bn and flown in pallets from the US – would end up in enemy hands.

Mr Bremer, who headed the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) before sovereignty was transferred to Iraq in June 2004, responded that he was trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Alright, click here to leave a comment with your guesses. I’ll post the results of the survey tomorrow.

***Update***

Here are the links to the full articles:

Misery – The Secret to Happiness [BBC]

U.S. to Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91 [Onion]

Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Touch With Mainstream [Onion]

Bremer Quizzed over cash for Iraq [BBC]