You Can't Make Mistakes.

Not easily

My mood tends to reflect that of the people around me. If those around me are having a good time, then I will likely be having a good time. If those around me are upset, then I will be more likely to be upset. I realize the failure in this mode of being, but some things are built into us, and this is one of mine.

I recently underwent a type of hypnotherapy to make it easier to deal with above-mentioned situations. It was easy. Apparently, what it did was remove the buildup of negative emotions related to specific events which trigger the emotions of fear, anger, sadness, hurt and guilt, in that order. These buildups of emotion are called “gestalt” and have a significant effect on the way that we react to new situations which trigger these five emotions.

I have noted the effects of this therapy in two distinct and significant ways.

First, I didn’t know before that I was afraid of the dark. But, I was.

Now, for all of you naysayers, it is not like regression therapy where you dredge your past mental states to drag stuff up that may have happened in reality or may have happened in your mind, but had the same cognitive weight. No.

What I noticed, after having time-line therapy, was that I would walk down the hallway, or down the stairs, in relatively total darkness without turning on a light. In the past, I would have always turned on a light at some point, which doesn’t make any sense. In the situations that I am referring to, I have lived in a place for some long amount of time; I know the landscape; I will not trip over the ottoman; and yet I still would always turn on the light when I walked through a darkened room, if possible.

Now, in the same situation, I will just walk through and get and do what I need to do and then continue on: light or no light. If I know the terrain, it doesn’t make a difference.

It felt odd when I realized what I was doing, and what it meant.

The second way that this has affected the way that I move through the world is that I no longer immediately engage during a situation motivated by fear, anger, hurt, sadness or guilt.

It used to be the case that if someone pissed me off, they were in for a rough ride. I would escalate and escalate, always trying to outdo the the emotional level of my opponent. Now, I don’t. If someone starts down a road with me where I would have formerly escalated, I will generally remove myself from the situation. This is the case, unless, I feel that it is something worth fighting for. The problem that I have found, of late, is that there are about 6 things that I can figure are worth fighting for, and most of them are a far shot uglier than anything that the chumps that I hang out with can muster. So, as a result, I generally will just walk away from situations motivated by fear, anger, sadness, hurt or guilt, and wait until everyone has calmed down—or sobered up, as the case may be—to deal with whatever the problem was. Most of the time, there is actually no problem.

Regardless, I was just thinking that there are two types of people—HA!—in the world: the people whom I care about a great deal, and those whom are not really of any great consequence.

Now, of course this is a false dichotomy. But, come on, we can all relate to it.

The reason that I realized that there are people that I care about so significantly and people who don’t hold any bearing on my emotional state is that I recently have been able to catalog a difference in the ways that I react in given situations. It turns out that with the people who I care the most about, or believe—mistakenly or not—care about me, I become upset when I am confronted with unreasonable or illogical emotionally-based responses.

Now, I realize that I sound like a robot right now, but I am serious. The folks that I love the most have the most emotional sway in my emotional inner-life. Those who don’t, well, don’t factor. In those cases, I step aside, out of the picture, or disregard the things that would have pissed me off had they come from someone who mattered more significantly to me.

Regardless, it works out in the end. I am not attributing any of this to some sort of weird therapy, but I think that it might have helped me get there. I can’t deny that.

Now: the point.

I left a situation this evening in which someone feared that they may have offended someone else. Did they? Likely. Did I react defensively and try to right the injustice of my offense? No. Why? Honestly, because it was easier to leave, not worry about it so much, and go and write a blog post about it. It is better to remind myself that we are all just doing the best we can with the resources that we have at our disposal than get worked up about why someone or other hasn’t sorted themselves out.

Is this healthy? Well, I didn’t get into an argument or a fight with anyone over something that before would have incited that particular response or another equally emotionally escalated situation.

I would have to say: Yes. It’s fine by me. I’m happy with no black eyes or hurt feelings. Not to mention: a smile on my face.

Think about these things the next time someone pisses you off. Is it worth it? Why are you pissed off? Is the person whom you are angry at doing anything other than their best, considering their current situation and resources?

If the answers are anything other than: “No,” “I don’t know,” and “No,” then you may have a case. Otherwise, think about it again.